ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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