dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
