You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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