Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
