I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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