Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
