Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
