Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
