Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
