I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
