Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
