Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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