If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
