How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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