Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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