She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
