so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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