Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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