how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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