I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
