im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
