I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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