He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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