There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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