I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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