Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
