I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
