I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
