So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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