I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
