I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
