Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
