I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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