just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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