I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
