all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
