I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
