i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
