How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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