I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
