I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
