So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
