i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
