I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
