You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
