You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
