i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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