I think my fart just growled at me.
We got so high we made milksteak
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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