My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
