I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
